Guys' Night Out

Friday, March 28th, 8:00 p.m. – Make my way down the “hill from hell.” Run into Amanda at the bottom. So taking into consideration that the last time she walked the hill alone she had the dreadful misfortune of coming across a man masturbating in the open, I decide to walk her back up. “Hey, I hear it’s ‘guys’ night out’ tonight,” she says mockingly, just as we reach the top. Ha, you bet your ass it is.

8:10 p.m. - I meet Andrew outside the metro. We’re on our way to try and retrieve his coat from the club he drunkenly left it at last weekend.

8:13p.m. – Waiting for the metro. “Oh, shit,” I chuckle. “What,” he says. “Dude, that hot Czech girl and her group of friends totally busted me checking them out… and then they started cracking up. I really am a dumb-ass.”

8:15 p.m. – The metro arrives. In our cart, every seat is empty, so we sit. Damn it, the “hot Czech girl” and her click come aboard. Not good. “Hot Czech girl” spots me, begins to laugh. This is going to be really AKWARD!!! She quickly moves toward me and plops down literally an inch away, giggling. I about shit myself.

8:20 p.m. – She’s still laughing with her friends. I’m looking straight at the floor, trying to think of something cool to say in Czech. Nothing. I think it’d be freaking hilarious if I pulled the ever-unoriginal yawn move on “hot Czech girl.” Run the thought by Andrew. He thinks it’s a terrible idea, thinks she might hit me or something, cause she’s European. Huh, I wasn’t aware European women were especially prone to violence.

8:26 p.m. – The past six minutes consisted primarily of me blushing profusely, “hot Czech girl” laughing, me racking my brain, “hot Czech girl” laughing, me wishing I’d purchased a Czech phrase book, “hot Czech girl” laughing, me shaking my head out of frustration, “hot Czech girl” laughing, me wanting to grow a pair of balls, “hot Czech girl” leaving. Of course, she laughed as she did so. Bye. You’re hot. Sorry I’m a looser. My friends back in the states are going to kill me when they hear about this.

8:50 p.m. – Andrew enters the club with no coat.

8:51 p.m. – Andrew exits the club with no coat.

11:00p.m. – Matt, Andrew, Ray and I are walking through the city. A black guy stops us. Asks if we want any drugs or any girls. We decline. Another black guy appears, same question. “Maybe later,” Andrew responds. A third black man approaches us, then a fourth and a fifth, sixth, seventh… There are like 100 black dudes in this whole damn city and every single one I meet sells drugs and pimps out women. Way to guard against the stereotype.

11:30 p.m. – 2:45 a.m. The four of us find a pretty sick bar. It’s underground, has a couple different levels and all the walls are made of ancient stone. The “talent” (stole that from Bryan) is decent. Next stop is a knock off of Coyote Ugly with scantily clad bartenders dancing on the bar, taking shots and blowing fire. Leave the bar. Matt, Ray and Andrew are officially intoxicated. Meet a group of Australians. They’re cool. Ten more black guys offer us women and drugs. We’re walking down a street, a long car pulls up, the windows roll down. In the front, two sketchy girls, in the back, two more with one guy in the middle. They smile. We return the favor. The back door swings open. They tell us to get in, they’re gonna show us a good time. No thanks. We take off.

3:05 a.m. – Somehow we’ve ended up inside a strip club/whore house. Immediately, four half-naked girls are on our laps. Hell, who are these women kidding, I lived Florida, I own Mons Venus… they’re not getting shit from me. “Hey baby, buy me a drink,” the girl pleads. “Sorry, no money,” I reply, looking completely uninterested. She looks around. The other guys have already bought drinks and are ready for a private dance. “So, no drink, but maybe you want private room, private dance,” she says. Right, I might as well just steal a needle from some random junkie in an alley and go ahead and inject AIDS between my toes. “Look,” I say, shaking my head, “you’re wasting your time on me, sorry.” She frowns. I motion her off. Man, I knew I should have brought my hand sanitizer. That hooker is gross!!!!

3:07 a.m. – 5:00 a.m. – Andrew rises, disappears with a girl in his arm, reappears empty-armed moments later. Evidently he wasn’t aware it’s not acceptable to pay for a private room using a Visa. Matt gets conned into paying $30 for a drink he bought for the stripper. He’s ubealivably pissed. I tell them we’re leaving before they’re all robbed blind. We end up back at the original bar where we started. Andrew spits game… the European girl tells him the U.S. sucks for various reasons… they engage in a heated debate. We meet two American girls. One tells me that she attends the University of Florida. Okay then, well, it was nice meeting you anyway. Matt’s still pissed. Andrew orders Tequila shots for everyone. Matt pukes in the bathroom. Bar closes.

5:10 a.m. – Walking to the metro. A rough-looking gypsy sneaks up on Matt. “You want sex?” He’s utterly disgusted. “What, no, no, get away,” he mumbles. I see her grabbing at his front pockets for money and also at his private for good measure. I push her off. Apparently Andrew feels the need to console the gypsy and places an arm around her, pulling her close. Her hand now reaches for his… he quickly shoves her away. Ray and I find the scene highly amusing. “Get the hell away gypsy! I was just trying to be nice,” Andrew yells, laughing his ass off.

5:25 a.m. – 6:20a.m. – Riding the metro. Ray makes a confused face, feels around in his coat. Can’t find his keys. He’s not happy. Reach our stop. Grab a croissant at my favorite pastry shop above our station. Go with Ray to the hotel to hopefully get an extra set of keys. No dice. He must come back in six hours. The sun is out now. Stare up at the daunting hill. Sigh. I should have never walked down the damn thing in the first place.